


Camellia

by hiddenclawsof



Series: #hyunlixcloud [13]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anthology, Attraction, Awkward Crush, Fever, Flowers, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin is a Mess, Language of Flowers, Lee Felix is a Confident Gay (Stray Kids), Letters, Lies, M/M, Truth, Vomiting, because flowers grow out of them, chan is matured, changbin is a florist, details of how a flower grows, food mentioned, minchan if you squint, minho is subtle, only mentioned - Freeform, slight angst, slight body mutilation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:48:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddenclawsof/pseuds/hiddenclawsof
Summary: A flower is set to bloom on their hand when they lie, that was a phenomenon that no one bothered to question.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Series: #hyunlixcloud [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942687
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29
Collections: Drabbles Challenge for Chaotic Writers





	Camellia

**Author's Note:**

> i am back again with yet another _i don't know where it came from_ au. i have been trying so hard to finish this because this prompt has been in my list for a while and wanted to just write up at least 3000 words but here i am... haha. a drabble is what was expected from me... but almost 10,000 is what i offered. _sigh_.
> 
> i hope you enjoy!
> 
> also, if you could listen to pentagon's camellia, that would fit the mood of this fic.
> 
> this challenge is for the international fanwork day.

No one really knows how and when that happened because it just did. Ever since Hyunjin was born, he was told to not lie. Not that he was a liar because in fact, he wasn’t, for sure. Although there may be circumstances where he really needs to lie like when he ate the Nutella and didn’t tell his mom until he was caught with a bud of red columbine inside his palm, sprouting and standing tall and proud, or when he first saw Minho, his loving friend, or not so loving, who asked if him if he was okay because he looked struck and he said ‘no’ then a yellow hibiscus grew inside his hand, causing for the said friend to laugh at him.

No one really knows how and when did that happen to everyone. Not even his other friend, Chan, who seems to know it all because he’s just that matured and so loving in his eyes and he can always run to him whenever he feels so bad of himself. So unlike before, when he was so bothered of the fact that he’ll always end up with a certain flower inside his hand, he just learned not to lie. As simple as that.

Because not only can he feel the roots of the flowers itching his veins, he’s also worried of the flower being unattended when he already has a garden of them in _their_ backyard. He _was_ a kind of a liar.

“Chan-hyung told me that he’s going to meet someone today.” Minho lazily mumbled to him while staring down at the untouched salad in front of him, presumably waiting for the older friend of the group.

Hyunjin snickered against Minho and poked his side, watching his untouched sandwich, almost hearing the growl of his stomach, “So we are to wait while he chases down the love of his life?” Hyunjin said with a tone that seems unpleasant.

Minho only made a face and watched his very uninteresting salad while Chan perked his eyebrow up as soon as they stopped walking, and pulled the said someone to him, urging him to sit right in front of where the two of his dumbfounded friends are.

Chan cleared his throat, “Here he is,” he said with a shake of his shoulders, successfully getting the attention of his friends. A clear excitement in his voice, “He’s a newcomer, a foreigner.” He continued. The two snapped their heads up to the owner of the voice until their eyes met the man of interest, a frail smile plastered on his lips, eyelids that fluttered and eyeballs that were too nervous to stay still.

Hyunjin had his breath hitched. His hand reached out underneath to where Minho’s was and squeezed it for a little while before returning his full attention to the foreigner, letting himself be captivated by the instance. On the other hand, Minho began to open his salad container and pour the dressing all over the green vegetables.

With a sigh and no hope, Chan introduced them, “That man that looked offended by the fact that his salad dressing is less than the usual is Minho. We’re in the same year so you might not see him all the time,” Chan rambled, practically to the foreigner whose eyes threw dagger to the bobbing head of the brunette munching over his food, “And that guy, with his hair straight down to his nape and eyes that are all over you is—” Chan tried to continue the introduction as he deemed it worthless to wait for the other two to introduce themselves, but Hyunjin already cut him.

A hand was raised up on their sights, his palm clearly facing Felix and anticipation grew in Chan’s chest as he watched Hyunjin do something.

Hyunjin sheepishly smiled, removing his hand from Minho’s and putting both of his hand down on the table, opening for Felix and the rest to observe, “I’m Hyunjin,” he began, he was already surprised by how he didn’t stutter at all while saying that, but the way the foreigner dragged his eyes from his face down to his hand made Hyunjin beam a little bit more and ooze with confidence, “Or you can call me baby, if you’d like.”

That did the job for all of them. Minho stopped munching, the foreigner looked awestruck by the sudden suggestion and Chan, the one who should be ashamed of what his friend was doing, stifled a chuckle in his chest, realizing that Hyunjin would always do something embarrassing.

It took them a while, a silencing minute to comprehend what just happened, and Chan didn’t even try to save Hyunjin from shying away and hiding himself. From where his hands and palms laid on the table, to his face they went, blurting out nonsensical sound that broke their silence.

It wasn’t the first time they saw Hyunjin acting like that.

Hyunjin _just cannot_ lie.

“You tell that to all the pretty boys.” Minho almost hit him with his fork but foregoing the action when Chan looked at him, and before Hyunjin can ever retort back, the foreigner already fixed his seat and pushed himself further to Hyunjin’s hand, pressing down a finger to his palm with a certain smile that he would never forget.

“Hi Hyunjin, I’m Felix. I guess you didn’t lie about me calling you baby since I see no buds on your palm.”

❀

Hyunjin was overly excited for something that he shouldn’t be excited about. He was asked by his very loving Chan-hyung to tour Felix around and accompany him, like a friend, to help him adjust to the new environment. And here Hyunjin was, taking everything in like a suitable job for him, listing down the things that he has to do and he wants Felix to do and experience. 

He looked at himself over the mirror, he wore a plaid shirt, a sweater on top, a lean black pair of pants and sneakers to finish it up and look casual. If someone will tell him that he was overdressed for the said occasion of just strolling around and dragging Felix just to try and impress him, then Hyunjin would just laugh at you and _well,_ Minho and Chan would just have their infamous smirk on their faces.

Because Hyunjin _cannot_ lie.

He made sure that when he likes someone, that someone knows it, that when he’s attracted, infatuated and crushing over someone, that someone would see it in the way he looks at them, the way he stretches his hand just to touch them and the way he makes sure that his presence is known and valid. He cannot lie, like he said, so now, he wouldn’t bother hiding whatever it is that he wants Felix to know.

Felix smiled brighter than ever when he saw Hyunjin’s presence and Hyunjin could swear to all the saints out there listening to the whispers of his head that he was _too_ close to melt. 

“You look particularly great today, Hyunjin!” Felix declared, his hand raising and thumbs pointing upwards like the sign of approval.

Hyunjin felt a blush creep on his cheeks, he wasn’t usually someone who just falls in love easily. He just appreciates people, most especially with their good looks. He cannot lie, he never could, and he knew he shouldn’t, so when Felix told him that he looked great, he would only be lying if he said he didn’t feel blessed by the said compliment.

After all, he is a sucker of that.

“I think you know by now that I am so _into_ your face, right?” Hyunjin didn’t even feel a bit of hesitation when telling Felix that and now that it was Felix’s turn to look shocked, Hyunjin just rubbed his nape and winked at him.

“I’m sorry if I am making you uncomfortable, my mouth really rambles a lot.”

But Felix didn’t mind.

From their distance, Hyunjin was able to catch a glimpse of Felix’s palm, hoping that no bud ever grew in them when he finally said, “I don’t mind, I like it.”

Maybe then, Felix should’ve lied.

Hyunjin and Felix rode the bicycle side by side, letting the wind gush past them as it unravel the knots of their hair strands. The weather was nice, not too warm nor was it too cold, it was just enough to soothe and lull their longing hearts. Hyunjin couldn’t help but speed through, evidently leaving the fumbling legs of the shorter as he shouted, “Wait for me!”

They were strolling on the back road of the campus, one where less people are in but beautiful scenery to welcome them. The wide green landscape filled their vision, causing the taller to stop and for the shorter to almost tackle him by the abrupt halt.

“This is where I usually watch Minho-hyung and Chan-hyung pine for each other.” Hyunjin said, his whole hand pointed at the scenery in front of them.

Like the flowers had heard him, each of them swayed, dancing as the wind sped past them, and to the two young men watching and engrossing themselves in the performance of the sticks and stones, it was beautiful.

Hyunjin wanted to get to know Felix, he was sure about it. It was not because he was just a pretty face that needed an equally pretty face to go through the day but because Felix, facing the said scenery, was beautified and sporadically tanned by the sunlight. He looked at peace, letting the warmth spread to his face, he looked calm, languid and latent, letting himself be engulfed by the warm tones and converting him into a just meaningful flower.

Minho would probably hit Hyunjin’s head, and Hyunjin knew that so well. But being able to see Felix looking like that first handedly, though he doesn’t know so much about him, makes him want to know every single part of Felix. _Everything_.

“Felix,” Hyunjin breathed out, his voice staggered, tired and his breath once again hitched. When Felix turned his face to look at Hyunjin that fumbled his finger on the knobs of the bicycle he’s holding, Hyunjin heard a knock on his chest, “Why did you come to this place?”

It was a safe question that lead to Felix raising his head up and meet Hyunjin’s eyes—tantalizing, glimmering, and shining. Hazel orbs stared down at him as he maintained his composure and Hyunjin saw the way his teeth gritted his lips.

“Would you believe me if I say that I am here to learn how to lie?” The slit on Felix’s eyes tightened and it made Hyunjin feel nervous, like he just learned something that he shouldn’t have, but Felix let his hand rest upon the tense shoulders of the taller, effectively setting down the rapidity of his pulse.

“You never grew a flower on your palm?” 

“Yeah, _never._ ”

It was a rare occurrence. Hyunjin had never thought that someone would not have a flower bloom on their very own palms. He also never thought Felix, looking like a ray of bubbliness, proved to him that he was indeed who he thought he was—daisy, the innocence.

Hyunjin looked around, trying to avoid Felix’s eyes that watched him grow his expression from surprise to somehow mortified and sprawling into a grin.

“Are you surprised that I want to lie?” Hyunjin had heard Felix muttering under his breath. His head now hung low, his eyes failing to meet Hyunjin’s that looked for him, “I shouldn’t have told you—”

“No, not at all.” Hyunjin _cannot_ lie.

**Felix,**

**Chan-hyung laughed at me for writing you a card like this.**

**He said that you probably won’t need me doing this,**

**but a daisy reminds me of you.**

**You look so pure, but learning that you have something**

**so feigned in you made me realize**

**that lying is a natural thing.**

**Not because we are made to fool,**

**but because our nature is to fool.**

**Don’t worry, I bought this from a local store.**

**I would never lie to you.**

  
  


❀

Hyunjin could never see the end of his friends and Felix’s teasing about what he just did to Felix some days ago. Minho would lock his head inside his arms, Chan would reenact the way he poured his heart, _okay maybe not pour,_ to his letter and Felix would nudge against him, grinning with intent and mumble his last words, singing it like a song.

“Stop teasing me, okay.” Hyunjin grumbled, his elbow planted on the table and his palm squeezed the area in between his hairline and eyebrows. He just wants the day to end, for the week to end and for his friends to finally move on and let him live his life.

“I never saw you as the hopeless romantic one!” Minho then cooed, his hands making a heart shape and shot them to Hyunjin which only made Hyunjin drill his palm harder to his forehead.

He is _not_ a hopeless romantic! He just wants Felix to know that he sees him like a flower, a bud that blooms, the one that follows the sun, signifying so many things that encompasses only one word of magnificence. He is definitely _not_ a hopeless romantic—he just wants Felix to feel precious.

“Giving flowers to someone doesn’t always mean being romantically inclined,” Hyunjin defended himself, his eyes shot up to plead for Felix’s mercy and make the teasing stop, “I just figured that flowers suit him.” He finished, flinching slightly when he finally shoved down the food in his throat and blocked his ear from listening to their whines.

“And why is that?” Chan interjected, a knowing smile on his face again, acting like the know-it-all hyung that he is to Hyunjin.

“I don’t know—” He claimed, “Maybe because flowers are pretty?”

Hyunjin _cannot_ lie, it was an established truth. So when he said that, it earned him a kind of reaction from everyone. Minho immediately took his hand and waited for something to bud, Chan just shook his head and looked at him fondly, thinking about the fact that Hyunjin is here again, letting himself fall, and Felix didn’t think twice and reached out to the fluff hair that bundled over Hyunjin’s head and patted it.

“I must be pretty to you?”

Hyunjin let out a gawk. Hearing Felix put those words into his tongue made his embarrassment worsen. He felt himself shrink to that touch, to that small hand, and asked for Minho’s hand again as a support as he pulled it under the table and slowly lowered himself to the depths of his seat.

_Yeah, pretty, that is what you are._ He almost whispered.

Hyunjin felt his throat itch when Felix asked him to come with him to the library. He was to borrow a book, something that Hyunjin didn’t bother asking about since it was a book, okay, he doesn’t even know so much about them. Like what was expected from him, he nodded, so eagerly, that Felix let out a chuckle to that and gave him a slight smile.

Now that Hyunjin is outside of Felix’s room, a building away from him and around three floors above the ground which he actually ran for since the elevator wasn’t working, he couldn’t help but feel his palm sweat. Usually, he would feel the itch and the almost burning sensation on his wrist, shooting straight to his palm, when a stem is to sprout. It differs in every person. Chan said he tears up a little bit when his blooms and Minho said that he feels nothing and was always surprised when it simply falls off his hand and to the floor they fall.

Hyunjin wonders, what about Felix then? What would Felix feel? How would his guilt pool up in him when his tongue decided to formulate words of lies? How would his hand react to the eruption of the said bud? How and what would Felix look like the first time he lies?

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin heard a voice and snapped him out of his daydreaming. His eyes refocused to the owner and saw Felix worriedly looking at him, his backpack slung over his shoulder and his other hand fizzled inside his pocket.

Hyunjin could only nod and turn his back to Felix. He began to walk, almost leaving Felix on his trance. He did what he could to prevent Felix from seeing the patch that formed on his cheek, together with hearing the thumping in his chest. He didn’t know what it is about Felix that makes him feel all of this—was it his brushed-up hair? His mullet that grew down to his shoulders? Or his little fingers that desperately held his shirt when he seemed to be unstoppable?

“Were you too embarrassed earlier?” Felix asked him with a soft voice, complementing the surrounding that died down as the minutes went by, “I’m sorry.” He added, and if a voice that was _already_ soft can be softer, then Felix’s voice was the epitome of it.

Not that Hyunjin needed Felix to apologize for it, “I am not embarrassed, I’m actually worried that maybe you’re uncomfortable with it. I am just giving you a gift, just think about it like that, I guess. I mean, I know it’s not normal for a guy to give his friend a flower or something like that—” he practically rambled, his mouth never stopped opening.

But Felix already managed to close it for him, literally, a hand on his chin and clasped his lower jaw to his upper jaw. Hyunjin bit the insides of his cheek.

“I like the flower, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin almost let out a scowl and felt his chest loosen up, freeing his tender voice to the air and approaching night. If he thought that Felix was innocent then, now all he could ever think was how magical he looked under the twinkle of the amber sunset to the navy-blue sky.

“Then you must’ve liked yourself a lot.”

**Felix,**

**I made sure to write this when Chan-hyung isn’t around**

**because I know just how much he lives**

**by teasing the hell out of me.**

**Are you wondering why I gave you a callalily this time?**

**Please wonder!**

**Because if you’re not, then this letter would seem useless.**

**But callalily is the representation of magnificence**

**and beauty.**

**For some reason when you told me that you liked**

**the flowers, it made me feel good about myself.**

**You’re like a flower not just because you’re pretty,**

**but because you make other people feel pretty themselves.**

**And because of that, you are magical.**

**Like I said, I didn’t cut this from my body.**

**I bought it.**

**Because I would never lie to you.**

**You don’t deserve that.**

❀

Six months had passed and Hyunjin did his best to let Felix adjust. At some point, he was also just telling himself that he did all of _those_ for Felix because he cannot beckon himself doing it to satisfy himself. He knew Felix had that effect on him, he _would_ not lie, and by simply seeing Felix makes him feel so many things. He knew Felix didn’t mean to; Felix didn’t mean to laugh at his shameful ass, at his dumbassery and tactics, but hearing Felix laugh makes Hyunjin want Felix to mean everything. _Every little thing._

“It’s been months since you last gave me a flower,” Felix sulked as he slumped over Hyunjin’s desk, prying Hyunjin’s attention off the manuscript he has yet to finish. Hyunjin grumbled, his stomach growled, and his eyes flickered at the said gesture, “When are you going to give the third one?” Felix then continued.

For Hyunjin, it was already _fine_ to stop at where he left. It was already _fine_ to stop seeing Felix as the beautiful one and as the majestic one. It was already _fine_ to put a dot on it, a period, a symbol that halts, that signifies the end and _not_ the beginning. He tried so hard not to lie, he didn’t want a flower to bloom out of his hand after not having the phenomenon for so long—he wouldn’t lie for Felix, he wouldn’t lie to Felix. It was his mantra, waking up every single day, feeling himself inch closer to the latter even though he knew that his intentions differ from him.

Hyunjin knew that Felix didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to look at Hyunjin with those loving gaze, warm, serene and encompasses all the domestic feelings he could gather from a known café downtown or from the local flower shop that he visited for the past months. He didn’t mean to look so weak against his arms, against his chin and most especially against his whole body that is now caged in those frail arms.

“Do you want to have a third flower?” Hyunjin mumbled against Felix’s hair, his mouth even catching a bit of the strands, tasted its tips and pushed it out, muttering a ‘gross’.

He shot his gaze up when Felix pushed himself away from him, completely standing up, his button nose on full view and his eyebrows furrowed, forcing him to look angry but failed because of his puffed cheeks.

“Of course, I do! I am looking forward to every meaning it has! Most especially when you write them for me.” Felix clearly sulked.

Behind Felix’s body is his laptop that already overheated after a long day of hard work, word document that strained his eyes from being overly white and the amount of pages he had worked on ever since Felix decided to hang out inside his dorm without actually talking to him. Okay, Hyunjin felt the guilt.

“You never even told me what you feel about the callalily,” Hyunjin dismissed, pushing himself to his feet and dragging them to where his bed was, clean, made, and white. What is with white nowadays? “You liked the daisy, but how about the callalily?”

Felix dashed forward, he would make sure that Hyunjin would give his full attention to him and Hyunjin recognized that desire from Felix’s gaze. Felix was, unfortunately, smirking to his face, clearly not asking Felix to do that because it turns his heart upside down and makes his head make-up millions of thoughts and possibilities that could have happened. Another unfortunate thing happened when Felix pushed him to the bed, pining his body to the mattress, now looking bigger than Hyunjin and stronger, digging his own knuckles to Hyunjin’s wrist.

_Very unfortunate._ Hyunjin wanted to hold his chest and hide Felix’s ears, he wanted to deafen the loud beating noise his muscle made against his own ribs. He wanted to hide his face behind anything and stop Felix from looking down at his cheeks, rosy and hot. He wanted to run, to anywhere really, to somewhere where Felix would stop doing all these things to him that makes him go mad, crazy, insane.

“You know Hyunjin,” Felix’s voice sounded a lot deeper, like a roar, thundering voice that sent shivers to Hyunjin’s skin, “I don’t know if it’s the flowers that made me happy or the person who gave it to me.” He spoke to it like it was _nothing_ , like it was easy to spend effort to make those in his mind and spat them to Hyunjin who was looking up at him, waiting for his monologue to end, “You’re the first person that made me feel special, Hyunjin.”

Flowers always signifies lies. It blooms when someone cannot tell the truth whether it may be for a good reason or for a bad one, it would sprout out, like it was nothing. Despite how beautiful their petals looked like, how their nectars imbued the power and grace of the said hues, and how their stems, leaves for some, complimented the said beauty of the flower. Flower signifies lies because flowers are beautiful, beauty is that which lies.

No matter how beautiful it looked like and sounded like, a lie is still a lie.

And their palms are the symbol of that.

Hyunjin didn’t bother to speak or open his mouth, his lips formed a thin line, biting his lower lip in between his teeth and eyelashes fluttered like the butterfly wings. He only watched Felix to turn his stern face into a gentle one, his eyes automatically switching from fury to intimacy. He felt Felix pull his hand and stared at it like it was some sort of crime.

And to be honest, it was the first time that Hyunjin wished for someone to lie at him. It was the first time he wished for a flower and its meaning to be extracted from somebody else’s hand.

Because it was better to accept the consequence if Felix just lied.

But Hyunjin _cannot_ lie, neither Felix can.

So when he saw nothing on the smaller’s palm, his reaction was the clear opposite of Felix’s. He was scared, while Felix was delighted.

**Felix,**

**Okay, I know this is strange. “An orchid? What the hell Hyunjin?”**

**I can picture you asking me that exact statement.**

**They may not be the prettiest for you, but they are always held dear**

**by those who notice their charm.**

**Are you an orchid to me?**

**Probably.**

**_Shit._ ** **You’re so weak, so frail and so small.**

**And you showed them to me like it was nothing.**

**I wish I can be as brave as you, but I sadly am not.**

**So this would do for now,**

**_my_ ** **fragile being.**

**You know where this came from,**

**right?**

**For sure you knew, because just like I said,**

**I would never lie to you.**

❀

Hyunjin dreaded mornings. What is good in waking up at seven o’clock in the morning, stuff his mouth with some bread and water, force himself to be awoken by the sudden cold splash of the water, only to remember that _hey,_ he has an assignment due in the afternoon and his mind just simply decided to not remind him of it. His bloodshot eyes stared at his reflection, his cheeks were puffy, his hair was disheveled—long, silky, shiny yet brittle, is it his hair he is talking about or is it himself?

He sighed, so deep that his friend slash roommate Chan looked at him worriedly, etched on his face is pity, “You had the choice to tell Felix to end the call so that you can work on your report paper but you chose not to.” Chan exclaimed so obviously, making Hyunjin want to tear his hair off his head and lay it down to sacrifice it over some ritual that would let him have a rightful and good amount of sleep.

Felix turned clingier, sweeter, it almost gives Hyunjin a toothache, not going to lie, and most especially brighter. He approached Hyunjin whenever he didn't want to, he talked to Hyunjin whenever the taller one couldn't and made sure to spend the rest of his break just simply watching Hyunjin hide from him and cower to his arms. 

“You can never end a conversation with him, hyung, and I’m sure you know that.” Hyunjin mumbled through his breath, looking up at his reflection and snatching the hairbrush on the side to at least look a little bit decent before facing the rest of his day.

“I didn’t expect the two of you to be _this_ close.” Chan said nonchalantly, walking past Hyunjin to grab his shampoo and wet his hair to rub the solution all over his hair.

Hyunjin stopped, momentarily, and snapped his head at the bobbing head of the older who’s humming tunes and melodies to some indescribable beat the flow of the water and his finger toes were making. Chan was right, he was making sense, but Hyunjin didn’t want to hear it. Not when he’s some lone guy who’s afraid of growing flowers on his palm and letting Felix see that just because that ray of innocence and purity didn’t deserve that.

He doesn’t even know what’s going on in him so how can Chan act like he knows everything?

“Felix never knew the feeling of lying,” the older stopped humming and spoke through the glass door that separates him and Hyunjin, “And as far as he told me, his sisters went through a lot of pain as a flower sprouts out of their palms. I don’t know about him.” Chan said, waiting for a while for Hyunjin to reply, but realizing that Hyunjin was already a broken record whose mouth is agape and just staring at his blurred form, he proceeded to wash his hair and pat it dry using a towel.

There are a lot of questions that run inside Hyunjin’s head.

And one of those is this, “Why do you want to experience that blooming thing if it would hurt you?” He almost raged at Felix on the corner of the corridor, far away from the prying eyes of the people that peeked through their shadows. His breath hissed through his firm teeth, his eyes darkened and clouded as he looked down at Felix who was still bravely holding himself up and taking each and every of Hyunjin’s wrath.

Felix clasped a hand on his mouth, hushing his voice, looking apologetically to those whose attention was caught and hit Hyunjin on his forehead using his two delicate fingers.

“You are making a big deal out of this.” For Felix to say that he was disappointed was an understatement. Not only is he disappointed in Hyunjin for acting like this, but he was also disappointed in himself for forgetting that _one_ reason that made him come to this town and meet-up with his childhood friend Chan.

Hyunjin was indeed making a big deal out of it because how could he not?

“I’ll give you every flower you desire, just don’t let a single flower bloom on that hand.” Hyunjin sounded so desperate, it makes him look funny already.

“Hyunjin, I like the flowers, in fact, I love them. But, they—they’re not _yours_.”

Hyunjin wanted to understand. He wanted to understand the reason why Felix looked so bashful when he said that, why Felix let his face go so suddenly, leaving his presence alone in the corner to sulk. He wanted to understand the reason why and how Felix could tell him face to face, straight and stern, with firm indignation, that he loves the flowers he gave him yet ask him for his own.

What does Felix want him to do then?

Lie?

Felix knew he _cannot_ lie, he emphasized that strong enough ever since they’ve started growing this close.

But seeing Felix’s stature walking away from him, standing closer to somebody else and leaning down his face to meet that person’s ear makes him feel the itch stretching from his forearm to his fingers. He was shaking, eyes quivering from the fear of feeling the buried emotion he wanted to forget, and his feet moved on its own accord, and brought him to where Felix was, once again staring up at him but now with clear remorse.

What did he do to deserve the hate on your eyes, Felix? He has so many questions and most of them are left unanswered, yet here he is, ready to take a risk and produce his very own feelings into a concrete form of a flower, just for _you_.

“Hyunjin—” He didn’t need to hear you calling his name, he only needed one question just for him to finally reclaim, “Hey, don’t take it seriously, okay?” Nor did he need to listen to you assuring him that whatever he was about to do would be justifiable because you are Felix and he’s Hyunjin.

“Ask me anything you want to ask.” Hyunjin saw the shock on Felix’s companion, Jeongin was his name probably, not that he cares to know.

He was anticipating, a sweat formed on the band of his hair and the midline of his forehead. His pulse was vibrating throughout his neck and the noise around him rested, only his inner turmoil and Felix’s snort was audible to him.

It was clear, like the clarity of Felix’s face when the sun rays of their town landed on his skin that made him think of a daisy. Like the sky when the sun finally sets, mixing and grinding different shades of colors that blend perfectly to put a glimmer on Felix’s own which was a callalily to Hyunjin’s mind. Like the sadness that tweaked on his voice that never failed Hyunjin to know that Felix was that weak, the orchid.

It was clear and Felix made it _clear_.

“I don’t have any question to ask you.”

Hyunjin only needed that one question to finally see how he actually feels at that moment. To finally see what his flower means and how it would relate to Felix. He only needed one question, just one question to finally lie and give Felix the flower he was asking for.

But he _cannot_ lie, and he _shouldn’t_ lie.

Because it is Felix.

Felix didn’t deserve _his_ lies.

**Felix,**

**I couldn’t understand you then, even up to this point**

**to be honest.**

**But I want to, I** **_wish_ ** **to.**

**I don’t know if I even deserve to know the parts of you**

**which I know that you wanted to hide,**

**but I want to.**

**I** **_wish_ ** **to.**

 **I** **_wish_ ** **that you asked me something then,**

**just anything to be brutal.**

**So, here's a heather for you.**

**Because maybe all I was** **_wishing_ ** **for, is the flower**

**that is, you.**

**I can't lie to you.**

**I just can't.**

❀

To the local flower shop, Hyunjin resided to. They didn’t have any classes as it was their semestral break, and Hyunjin shouldn’t have refused Minho’s offer to go to his hometown and hangout at the mountains, because now, he’s surrounded by everything that reminds him of no other than Felix. After giving Felix the last flower, he made sure not to meet his eyes anymore; that whenever Felix tried to reach out to him on their usual table, he would have some excuse not to let him. Chan noticed it, so with Minho, and for sure Felix did too.

So when he remembers the times where he wrack his brain just to look and research for a flower’s meaning and write a letter, he’ll always end up here—inside the mushy brown four walls, filled with the scent of the nectars and freshness, almost overwhelming because of its abundance.

The place where everything screams Felix, like how he _screams_ for him.

He didn’t want to feel like this, trust him. When Chan asked him to be a good companion to Felix, he wanted to do just that. When Minho told him that he’s always leaning towards the pretty boys and making an embarrassment out of his life, he wanted to do just that. He didn’t want to have his feelings be named by no other than the dandelions, tulips and sunflowers. He didn’t want to have Felix watch him intently using those vindicated eyes. He didn’t want to be like _this_ , to be in pain, to be so sick of it, to feel the urge and scratch the itching sensation that runs in his veins.

He _cannot_ lie and will never lie. It was his promise.

Watching the flowers sway with the touch of his hand makes him want to cry. Flowers are so fragile; how come they’re used to represent a sinner and a liar? The owner of the flower shop followed his body that didn’t move as much, and he knew he was already being a creep doing just that and just what, but flowers, _oh flowers,_ what makes them a thing to be used to declare love if all they’ve ever been is a lie?

“Sir, do you need some help?” A voice intruded Hyunjin’s thought and successfully snapped him out of his busy mind. A smile was offered to him, sincere yet a hint of being weirded out was there. It kind of made Hyunjin chuckle to himself. How long has he been staring at the flowers for the florist to think he needed some help?

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but where do you get these?” He pointed out the rows of pots and vases where the kinds lined up accordingly to their color and types.

The florist’s eyebrows furrowed, probably overwhelmed by the sudden question, but he let out a smile immediately and walked towards where Hyunjin was, standing not too erect, looking like he’d collapse anytime soon.

“It was grown in the backyard, sir.” 

Easy as that.

Almost as if he was telling Hyunjin that lies are everywhere, it can be pulled from anywhere.

“Flowers are usually a symbol of a lie in our world. Despite its beauty, misfortunes are associated with it, but I think—” The florist continued, forcing Hyunjin to eye down his nameplate and take note of his name, Changbin it says, _“Flowers are not lies.”_

Flowers are not lies. Flowers are not lies. Flowers are not—

It repeated inside his head like a broken record. He felt foolish of himself. What was he doing looking so stunned after listening to a florist’s piece of mind, entranced by what he just heard, mouth probably left open that made Changbin chuckle to himself? What was he doing in a place that reminds him of the delicate when he could have just run straight to his dorm and speak noncoherent senses just to make Felix grow tired, enter his room and hit his mouth?

“These were not cut from somebody else?” It was a dumb question that Hyunjin didn’t know he needed answers to. He was so close to hiding himself under the piece of land he’s standing to, really.

This time, Changbin didn’t seem overwhelmed. He broke into a fit of giggle, a tear or two on his eye threatening to spill on his cheek down to his chin.

“No sir, I would never sell a part of someone as a token of appreciation. These are all fresh from my backyard and cow poos.” Changbin said after recovering. He patted his hand on his apron, swiped it from the front to the back and touched the camellias, a pink one and a red one, and caressed them using his thumbs, “Did the person you’re giving the flowers to understand your feelings?”

Feelings, huh? 

It was Hyunjin’s turn to look shocked. He didn’t bother to speak anymore and just shrugged his shoulders. It was an enough answer to make Changbin stop facing the taller and let him wallow in his silent pain.

“This pink camellia is a symbol of everlasting longing and this red one is a symbol of flame in your heart, but together, it symbolizes loving someone every single day.”

Hyunjin should’ve expected Felix to be waiting inside his dorm room with Chan brushing his hair. It has always been an occurrence, nothing rare as the two always have that great bond. But more than expecting Felix to be there, sitting and pressing his palm against Chan’s forearm, he should’ve expected Felix to point an accusing finger at him and threatened him to finally engage in a conversation.

Chan just smiled his way out of the room, encouraging Hyunjin using his subtle look and nod. Hyunjin had to look away. Away from Felix’s gaze that bore on his face and away from Chan’s knowing look that makes Hyunjin feel more stupid that he already is.

By the time the door closed, and the sound echoed in the room, Felix already marched forward to stop right front. His eyes darted, trying to look for Hyunjin’s and Hyunjin just stayed still and fixed his gaze on the ground.

“You look at me.” Felix demanded. 

But Hyunjin didn’t.

“I said look at me.”

What’s with the dictating tone? Since when did Felix grow so bold to order him around and tell him what to do—and yes, Hyunjin looked up, “Look at me, not at my hair.” Felix grumbled, about to use his hands and force Hyunjin to look at him.

To be _fair_ , Hyunjin thought Felix’s hair was great, especially _that_ day. Felix’s blond grew longer and wasn’t trimmed so he’s really close to the state of Hyunjin’s hair which looked nice on him. And to be _fairer_ , Hyunjin couldn’t really look at Felix’s eyes because he’ll end up crying. No jokes. He has been bottling up his emotion for far so long—he is going to end up lying, he is going to think about what the florist told him, he is going to reminisce at the way Felix excitedly poked him around for all the flowers that he gave him. _Ah!_ Do you really expect him to keep it all in?

Hyunjin slowly brought down his eyes to meet Felix’s. it struck him where he needed it the most. His chest began to rapidly thump again and the itch on his hand is becoming unbearable. He isn’t even about to lie but why does it feel like he is?

“Why are you avoiding me?” Hyunjin saw Felix roll his eyes and bite the inside of his cheeks, his hands are closed into a fist but not too tight that it turned his pale skin even whiter. Hyunjin couldn’t process what Felix was asking him, “I told you to not treat what I told you about the flowers seriously!” most especially when Felix raised his voice.

He feels like a child that is being reprimanded. Hearing Felix almost shout at him makes him feel awful and want to curl up into his blanket to sleep the night away. How can people engage in conversations like this and not cry? It was an honest question.

“I guess,” Hyunjin started to rim up and pucker his lips, challenging the strong aura Felix had around him, “You didn’t treat me seriously then as well.” It hurt him to be able to say that with the straightest face he could have mustered. It hurt him to watch Felix’s expression change from pissed, to shocked, to sad and then to disgust.

“Look, Hyunjin. I don’t want to be the one asking you something. I don’t want you to dwell on me wanting to get a flower of your own. I just—”

“Okay then, I will do just that for you. i’ll ask you.” Hyunjin clasped his hands together and stepped a foot backward to arch his body, “Then why? Why didn’t you want to ask me something? And why did you ask me to give you a flower of my body? _Why_?”

Felix raised his hand once and brought it back, twice then brought it back and for the third time it lingered in the air, as if he was waiting for Hyunjin to grab it and finally make something out of it. His palm was right in front of Hyunjin, forcing him to watch it. Felix wanted Hyunjin to know that he wasn’t lying, and he wouldn’t be lying.

“If I answer that, am I allowed to ask you a question as well?” His voice gradually lowers, in volume and in tone. 

Hyunjin didn’t bother answering and that made Felix to continue, a foot stepped forward, next to the other one, pushing Hyunjin off the edge, his back flat on the wall. He closed his tiny fingers to his palm, looking like a petal that blossomed and fluttered.

Felix took the silence as a yes, “Because I want _you_.” 

_Because I want you._ Hyunjin must’ve lacked a lot of sleep to be able to hear things that didn’t think he would hear from Felix. It was the deprivation talking, _please,_ let it be the deprivation talking to him. He let out a yawp and breathed harshly through his mouth, exhaling air to Felix’s fringes.

He cannot even speak clearly and would probably stutter. His voice might sound squeaky and his throat is just _too_ dry to be able to reply to that very wonderful message that Felix just conveyed to him.

“N-no, you d-don’t.” He really did stutter but that only made Felix retract his head and look at Hyunjin almost disappointingly.

Of course, he did mean it, Felix could slam his hand so hard against the wall if only that wouldn’t scare Hyunjin. He meant everything he said—him liking the flowers, the callalily, the heathers, the orchid and even the daisy. He liked being with Hyunjin, he liked showing Hyunjin parts of him, he liked reading Hyunjin’s piece of mind through his unreadable handwriting and rambles about flowers and realizations. He liked it, he liked him, okay?

He liked Hyunjin’s presence, comfort and hitched breath against him. He liked his confidence, together with the way he introduced himself and suggested for Felix to call him with an endearment. He liked it! He liked every little thing about Hyunjin.

So, hearing Hyunjin doubt him for what he said ulteriorly offended him.

“I do.”

But Hyunjin wasn’t able to notice that.

Hyunjin was a liar, and now isn’t. He cannot lie, he shouldn’t and would never lie. Not because it was Felix right in front of him but because he’s tired of growing a garden out of his palm. Hyunjin was a liar because everyone is and now isn’t because everyone is. He cannot lie because he knew that he shouldn’t, but Felix was there, making him want to lie to himself and completely try to make a fool of his long body despite swearing to every flower that grew out of him that he would never lie.

“It’s my turn to ask you, Hyunjin.” He would not lie, no matter how hard the question Felix might throw to him, “Do you want me too?”

A sharp, straight, shooting pain was felt on his arm. It excruciatingly extracted every bit and every ounce of latency on his face as it tingles his veins, walking, tracing and pacing on his skin down to his wrist where he could feel a turbulent collection of something hard that knocks on his skin, wanting to be freed out. Hyunjin closed his fist, hard enough to paint his knuckles white and to look at Felix’s deadpan to his eyes, tears formulating on the corner of his lids. His body flushed with heat, sweat folded double on his neck and nape, running down to his collar and the itch that blossomed on the center of hand was very much unwanted.

He _doesn’t_ want to lie, come on—he didn’t mean to lie.

But what can he do when he couldn’t even think of anything else but to say something that negates whatever it was that Felix wanted?

“No.” _Shit._

**Felix,**

**You won’t get this letter because I yelled at you**

**and told you that you must get out.**

**Why am I writing this anyway?**

**I don’t know.**

**Maybe because the wound that opened in my palm,**

**heals so slow and it makes me think of you**

**and the flower that grew.**

**Do you know what it was?**

**I really hope that you do,**

**because it is literally what I feel for you.**

**A camellia, Felix.**

**A camellia is what you are.**

**I will bury this letter away together with the flower that**

**I failed to plant,**

**but Felix,**

**yesterday, tomorrow and most especially today,**

**I love you still.**

❀

Felix was tucked inside his bed, a wet towel on his forehead and a bottle of water sitting right beside him. The air-condition was off, the windows were open and the flowers that he got from Hyunjin were peacefully swaying through the weaves of air, dancing and hitting their petals to create that wonderful glow that makes Felix think of getting better. Two new flowers were added to the collection though, one pink and one red, each came out of his two hands forcing his body to succumb and get defeated by the side effects.

It was his first time growing something like that and it was so strong that it made him run to the bathroom to let out his vomitus and gastric acid. His fever spiked so high that it made his head feel so light, almost as if he was floating in the air. He cannot even feel his soles that touch the floor. 

This is what it takes to let out his feelings, let his emotions be known, to a thing called a flower and _damn_ was it so painful. He even had palpitations for the past hour, his breath was really shallow as if he had some fluid inside his lungs and he wanted to cough those out.

He wanted to experience this, he wanted to know how it feels, but he didn’t expect it to be this hard.

His eyes were flickering like the lights inside his bedroom. He just wants to rest, please. He closed his eyes hard and held on to his pillow so tight like someone would steal it from him. Chan booked a train ticket just for him which he specifically emphasized not to, Minho is already on his way to bring provincial delicacies and goods, together with the herbs that were said to heal him, and Hyunjin—well, Hyunjin—he didn’t tell anything to Hyunjin.

He didn’t think he needed to anyway.

Right after Hyunjin asked him to leave the room, he already felt so sick and days later, here he is, almost dying in the comfort of his soft bed. Well, at least.

He almost drifted to sleep, if it weren’t for the sudden knock that bolted his senses out of his body and made his headache worsen. First, he was sick, he _is_ sick, and his body could melt ice that instant. Second, he was sick, he _is_ still sick, he’s in pain, in deep dark remorse of his worries and sorrow. And lastly, he was sick, _so_ sick, that if Hyunjin’s voice didn’t ring past the plank of wood, he wouldn’t even have to force himself to stand up and turn the knob.

Hyunjin was panting when he welcomed himself to somebody else’s abode. Luckily, it was clean, though it smells nothing like a home because of all the oils the owner had to inhale just to fight off the irreversible damage of a headache.

Felix pushed the door away from him and leaned on it. His world spiralled and it actually looked like a tunnel because of the sudden constriction. Hyunjin didn’t bother wasting his time and gently pulled Felix to his body, probably ready to scold him.

“You are sick, and you didn’t tell me?” Hyunjin reprimanded him, but never letting Felix speak a word as he wrapped his arms around him and raised him up, bridal-like and brought down to the bed.

To his defense, he cannot even bring his phone up to his face, let alone type using his fingers because they’re all so flaccid and just flapping around.

“Well I am sick, that’s why I didn’t tell you.” Felix said weakly without coughing, _congrats,_ “Why are you here?”

He peeked through the small slit of his eyelids, Hyunjin perfectly covered the light rays that threatened to sting his vision. He almost purred at the concerned look on Hyunjin’s face, only if he can actually do some sort of sound aside from his dead-like hoarse voice that sounded like he screamed all night, banging to rock songs, he would’ve. Hyunjin looked angelic when he’s soft.

“The florist told me to go to you, so I did.” Who again? He didn’t have the energy to think about some other person that was suddenly introduced to him, so _who_?

Hyunjin seemed to understand the bother that was sketched on his face, so he proceeded, “The florist of the flower shop I frequently visited to buy you your flowers.”

Oh, yeah, the root of their fight that caused Hyunjin to stop meeting him. The flowers that weren’t from Hyunjin’s hand, the flowers that could mean _so_ much, in addition to the letter Hyunjin wrote but is nothing compared to the flower that Hyunjin held so dearly when they last encountered. _Those flowers._

Felix didn’t have it in him to protest and complain. He let Hyunjin work around him, picking up the face towel that fell on the floor, submerging it on the basin that contains ice-cold water and squeezing the bit of it and proceeded to place it on Felix’s forehead.

Felix closed his eyes at the feeling of the soft cloth that was frozen against his burning skin. His strength was drained out of him and Hyunjin even had the nerve to ask him something, “Why are you sick anyway?”

It was a phenomenon that no one bothered to question. It was recurring happening, it didn’t need questions as answers were always given. Their own version of truth. It was that certain point that made Felix realize that he wanted his own, to bloom something of his, but it was not just for anyone, but because it was for someone. He had the urge, the same itch and fear of facing the pain he’s going to experience.

Because what his mouth couldn’t do, his hand would spell it out for him.

Flowers aren’t a product of lies, they are the truth—the actual representation of what’s hidden deep inside. They bloom to show the reality behind the falsity that sources their mouth; they differ in size, in color and in type, and that is because they are a part of someone, a part that you are ready to give up, not through the easiest way of rolling your tongue and spitting saliva, but by taking a piece of yourself and offering it to someone. Flowers are not lies; they are _someone’s_ truth.

Felix whose eyes are still closed raised his two hands up and presented them to Hyunjin who in turn looked down, careful not to provide any discomfort to Felix. What he saw on his palms are pricks, one for each hand, it was already clotting, but the bruises are all over. Pinkish, magenta, purplish and bluish, all spectrum of the aforementioned colors splattered on his hand.

Those were familiar, _too_ familiar for Hyunjin’s liking, and after a one heavy breath, he snapped his head around and looked at the six flowers on the vase that were bundled up even if they don’t complement each other.

Six, not four, _six._

“You had a flower?” Hyunjin asked in disbelief, tracing his thoughts, and coming up to a conclusion as to why Felix is sick and coughing his lungs out.

“Two flowers.” Felix corrected.

Hyunjin squinted his eyes to make a form and distinguish the said bundle, four of them were from him and the other two were alike. One red and one pink—it hit him, right on his head and Felix felt Hyunjin tense up against his flush.

Camellias were what he grew.

“How did that happen?” Hyunjin whispered, mainly asking himself. 

“You asked me to go and I said yes, even if I didn’t want to leave you then. I didn’t want to believe that you didn’t want me the same way I wanted you.”

There are four times that Hyunjin gave Felix a flower—a daisy, a callalily, an orchid and a heather, and that one time where he failed to give Felix the last and final flower that would end the anthology of his confession. A daisy that is pure then turned into a callalily that is magnificently beautiful, and even if beauty is what precises the lad, he was still fragile, like an orchid. He encompasses a lot of those meanings and Hyunjin only had one wish, one heather, one Felix—and the one time he didn’t, because how can he give a flower to Felix when he’s already the camellia?

**Felix,**

**It took me time to realize what you really mean**

**when you asked me for** **_my_ ** **flower.**

**It took me time to realize what you really mean**

**when you told me you wanted to learn how to lie.**

**The flowers bloomed on your mouth,**

**as you are always truthful to your words.**

**I envy you.**

**I envy you for enduring the pain**

**just to show me what you really feel.**

**We cannot help but lie,**

**you made me realize that.**

**So now I know why I am writing this to you**

**because you didn’t deserve to be lied to.**

**My flower is you.**

**You’re the lie that I want to keep,**

**and the truth that I want to speak.**

**My flower is** **_you._ **

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so what do you think?
> 
> twt: @hiddenclawsof


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